It’s almost National Day again and I’m reminded of the ‘procreation’ video from last year.. Essentially our government growing increasingly desperate to boost the local population; desperate enough to be openly encouraging people to have sex; desperate enough to be begging.
Child-rearing is a big undertaking. Perhaps because we’re Asian, the expectation is that we marry and have children as per the norm. I’m getting married soon enough, and the topic of children has come up more than a few times between my fiancé and I. I admit the idea of getting married by itself is an overwhelming sense of responsibility and I am slowly being driven to a breaking point. The idea of having children is just too much right now.
I grew up in a rather loveless environment. All the attention and affection was given to me before I developed the consciousness to remember or cherish it. By the time I was in kindergarten, my brother was born and consequently I was forgotten. My mother quit her job under duress from her mother-in-law after giving birth to her son and grew increasingly resentful and upset with how she had to sacrifice her career. To this day, it is always at the tip of her tongue to blame us for the ‘if-only’s. I think she reckons she could be CEO if we never happened. You see, it is always easy enough to exaggerate fantasies. Still, it is partially my fault she isn’t what she wants to be.
My grandmother was as evil as you could get when I was younger. She used to strangle me when the stock market was not doing well. How I managed to be in finance now despite the childhood trauma, I do not know. Like all old-fashioned grandmothers, my brother was the favored kid. I was taken away from my loving nanny until then to live with my grandmother for cost-saving reasons. She didn’t hate me I’m sure, but she was an impatient and easily frustrated woman who had no business taking care of young children. I bore the brunt of beatings for being uncooperative myself and also took on that of my brother’s. You see, a boy was entitled to be mischievous – that was normal. Still an irritated grandmother had to hit something to be appeased.. And that was me.
You must remember I mentioned how Mother had quit her job by then. Why she was not there to protect me, I can’t quite remember or fathom.. Perhaps wallowing in a life she hated, or out of fear of her husband’s mother. In the years that followed, my grandmother mellowed out. The beatings stopped but her vicious tongue-lashing continued. Mother and Grandmother never got along and the atmosphere at home was always explosive. I also gained another sibling – a sister, and the kids grew up in a hostile environment I tried hard to shield them from if only by covering their eyes and ears and keeping them out of the cross-fire.
It was not always bad. Mother is a very inconsistent woman and we have no idea if she would wake up pleasant or bitchy everyday. On the days she felt alright, I could let down my guard for the day and unwind a little instead of constantly watching the situation and ready to jump in front of the kids when she became unstable. I have Mother to thank for my high mental capacity and processing speed. She taught me how to lie and manipulate, to analyze and strategize, to be ready with a plan and counter at any time. In that way, I read the weather at home everyday and gave out warnings to the kids, guiding them on the safest path to get through the day unscathed.
When Dad was home though, those were the times of paradise for me. Both his wife and mother would put on an elaborate show of how well the family was getting along. It was amazingly disgusting how fake those women were. Once Dad’s back was turned though, Grandmother would summon me to her room and rant to me how Mother was a conniving whore out to seduce her son from her. Likewise, as a primary-school kid, I was made to deal with Mother’s tears and drama and resentment. The message to us kids was clear – it was all our fault. It seemed to me at that time, I was everyone’s punching bag.
The years in University were very tough on me. I was being stressed in every possible aspect of life and having to return home everyday to another war zone. The kids grew up to be low profile and snuck around at home soundlessly, keeping their doors closed as much as possible. Given the chance then, I just had to take time off of the family that had done nothing but suck the life out of me for years. The relationship with Mother was non-existent by then. The dark years that followed, I suffered setback after setback but not once did she ask if I needed help, preferring to pretend everything was just fine. I spent almost 3years piecing myself back together alone and without help. All that time, I knew Mother’s only concern was that I had dropped out of Uni and that she was ashamed of me. Mother was always that way, claiming blood relation when you were doing well and ignoring your existence when you were no use to her. She paraded me around just a couple of years ago when I got 8pts at Os.
My father does more parenting than my mother does on the 1.5 days a week he is home from work. Mother is insanely jealous of how we look up to Dad so much more than we do her. She thinks just because she looks after the house and cooks our meals, she is entitled to our respect and love. A week ago, she screamed at my sister for not having a relationship with her. We want a mother, not a maid. In truth, our maid can do all that she does for us and with a smile on her face to boot. Mother, Mother woke up today and the first thing she has to say to me is unpleasant as always. My maid wakes up and smiles, says good morning and offers me coffee.
I’m ashamed of Mother. I’m frankly so disappointed in her. She likes to see herself as a upper-class, well-bred woman above the masses but in truth, she has such a lousy personality. My fiancé is the only person safeguarding my sanity and the rock in my life. Any other mother would be glad to have her daughter find a man she can count on, but just not Mother. The way Mother treats my fiancé and talks behind his back is so rude and streaked with jealousy that I want so badly to slap her sometimes. She boasts about her husband in front of me, insinuating I could never find someone like that in seven lifetimes. She exacts free meals and rides from my fiancé claiming to be family and then turns around and declares him an outsider after all. I’m so ashamed to look my fiancé in the eye sometimes.. So ashamed to have him know I have that unpleasant woman’s blood flowing in my veins.
Mother has ruined my life. She made me deal with her drama, participate in her schemes, play her games.. She exploits me and my fiancé, makes life difficult for the kids, demands and expects more than she deserves and screams when she doesn’t get her way.. She cannot be happy for others even if for her children, she bad mouths her friends, her husband, her co-workers, she even tries to turn Dad against us and drive a wedge among us siblings whom she’s jealous of being so close.. Frankly, she exhausts me. I cannot find it in me to respect her or love her for the years of torture she has caused me. No amount of her yelling and screaming can change that. She was never there when I needed someone. In fact, when she was around, she has caused me only pain.
I used to wonder if it is just me she hates. But no, now I see she is just as unpleasant as they come. I don’t believe she was so horrid when she was younger. We see a glimpse of her original self when Dad is home and she goes into show mode being all sweet and accommodating and generally nice. You cannot fathom how ill-at-ease we kids feel when we see her that way.. Also how we estimate the extent of her sour mood after Dad leaves by how nice she gets on Sundays.
You know, I don’t blame her for not being a good Mother to us. Some people were never meant to be Mothers. What I truly hate is how she wants us to respect and love her just because she gave birth to us and to forgive her for everything. I don’t recall her apologizing; in fact she thinks it’s within her right to behave that way to us. I am a big believer of tit-for-tat. There is no such thing as ‘just because you’re technically my mother’. You’re a Mother when you’re a parent, not when you’re simply a womb we came out of.
I think my Mother made a mistake having children. She made her life hell and she made ours a worse hell when she took out all that resentment on us. She didn’t take responsibility as a parent, she was never there when it mattered. She was an administrator for the family and a tyrant. She threatened us with our Father, manipulating our love and respect for him and controlled us by our purse strings. She was never a mother in that sense of the word. What mother plots against her own children like that?
You understand my reservations about having a child now that you know my story? I refuse to be a failure of a mother.. So much so, I would rather not try. Childhood was bitter for me and I love children too much to subject them to that. I’m so afraid I will end up like my own Mother despite how much I try not too. I’m afraid the blood itself is tainted.
If you’re considering having a child, think about if you’re prepared and have it in your heart to love another person. There is simply no room for regret once you’re pregnant. You cannot have doubts. If you go down my Mother’s footsteps and resent your child, nothing good will ever come out of it. Don’t have kids just because it is expected of you or if even you expect it of yourself. Like I said, some people, some couples were not made to have children. Do not destroy your life, your marriage, your very soul by making such a mistake. My Mother has lost every bright spot of her soul in becoming a mother. She is not unlike a dementor right now, hollow inside and full of negativity. So don’t become that way.
If you’re already unhappy with life or with your marriage, bringing a child into the picture to improve it is a selfish selfish idea. Your child deserves happiness and should not be the expected injection of happiness. What if it doesn’t work after all? Now you have a child, an unhappy life and marriage.. A recipe for disaster that you can’t back out of. Don’t assume a child will give you the strength to take on the world. Not everyone is that way and the media only reports the inspirational.. Plenty of others succumb to depression or become suicidal and give up on life.
Please don’t have a child just to realize the idealistic relationship you have planned out in your mind. I’m sure my own Mother once thought it would be beautiful. She simply couldn’t take the bumps in the road. Once it looked less than perfect, she threw it away because she couldn’t take it that it wasn’t the way she wanted. A child will grow up with a personality and have ideals and beliefs not necessarily in line with yours. Can you accept that? Can you accept that maybe your child hates hugs and kisses but it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you enough? Can you take things less personally and be rational when it comes to your children?
Finally, are you a good person with a good heart? Adoring children will grow up to be young adults capable of admitting their parents are flawed. Are you someone they can respect even then? Have you proven to have loved them regardless? You will be judged as a parent in time.. So don’t assume a child has to like you because you gave birth to him. You work hard at your job to be recognized don’t you? You are nice to your friends so they’ll like you isn’t it? So why is it not the same as a parent?
Protect your children if you decide to have them.. Protect them even from yourself. The most common child abusers are parents themselves. My Mother tortured me mentally and gave me no support emotionally. She may not have hit me, but no abuse is worse than having a child feel vulnerable and alone for the better part of his life. Don’t have children only to damage and hurt them this way. I can tell you, I will never forgive my Mother for her negligence and her deliberate attempts at hurting me. I simply do not understand why she had me at all.
